and life goes on

there is something about life after study, it is different. maybe. the relentless search for meaningless, oops I mean meaningful, work, the reclaimation of what exactly is me, where do I end, where do I start, where do I begin, all these things.
Yeah whatever...
The ants are flying. Masses and masses massing towards the stunning globes that line the streets, that imitate the moon or what ever else these ants seem to think is so grand about them. The floor in my phone room is carpeted in ant wings, as a consequence of the light being left on and the backdoors being open. Quite a dramatic carpet. Could be quite sensual to feel these wings carressing ones skin, a bath full of filmy membranous wings, without their winding bodies, would feel so irrisistably light and sensual...
Interesting dance with my Bert last night, a journey into the desire that can be found in the sensuality of belts, blindfolds, and unsatiatedness. But my mind still journeys beyond.
I think it is time to recreate myself, but I also need to recreate the point of recreation. I am far out of touch with the me that used to create and get bored so create again, I am changed, and yet will change again.
So existential angsts aside, there is little more to tell, except laughter filled echoes from the weekend just gone, and the completion of a project I started in May to paint my ma's clinic room. Finally.
Next day will be the same and yet different.
I wonder what dreams will bring.
So many fleeting lusts and desires can be explored in these landscapes.

Done!

Well, thats it, I have finished and done and handed up two copies of hardbound honours thesis, and it is such a relief and well worth doing, although I tell you now, it took me a hell of a lot of effort to do it really.
Maroon covered, gold letting down the side, it looks kinda slick and sexy, and such a pleasuer not to be doing it anymore or anything like that.
Met up with some of the honours crew last nite and had beer and lots of things to deconstruct and get out of our brains about how it was and how it happened and how good it was to finish it and so on, still there are certain self doubts about it, but they will be here until I have got my results back, and probably after I have worn the black cloak and funny flat hat. Angie said that hers got stuck on her head last year, a few giggles that one, thus she is graduating in absenta this year. How fancy is that? Amusingly so.
Now I have some books to return to some libraries, then I am truely finished, except for my excessively messy room, for which I probably need an intensely highpowered vacuum that will suck it all up and make it dissappear! Either that or a magic wand.
Thats it for now, my typing is terrible, my fingers and hands must be having a rebellion after being overused for so long.
smiles.

total exhaustion

I have done it now, I am totally exhausted and that is just from formatting my thesis tonite, prior to that, after I reached the 'oh I dont have to do anymore work' deadline, I just felt vauge and fluffy and slightly surreal. Obscurred by weeks of solitude, intersperced with 2 minute conversations with my housemates, or Bert. Heck and golly geepers, I think that I might melt into oblivion, I should go to be, but that is still far away. Blessed bed.

exhaustion point

there comes a time in anyone's life when things just get so overwhelming that you reach a certain kind of exhaustion. for me this is a very stubborn kind of exhaustion, and it doesnt go away until I get over it. this is a frustrating place to be 2 days before my honours thesis deadline. really really frustrating... but I dont know what to do, it would be a simple process to just do it, to just sit down and go through each section of my final chapter which has most of the guts in it, but really needs a lot of work on it to make to strong enough to be a final draft. and I have done so well up until now, I have finished my introduction, I have only a little reediting to go on my first and second chapters, and then there is this one, and then the conclusion. Phew. my housemate is doing a phd which involves writing a 125,000 word novel plus an exegesis with 20,000 words, thats 5,000 words more than my honours thesis. I just cant even comprehend that, its a hell of a lot of work, and man I have struggled getting out just 15,000, although it will be nearer 17,000 when I am finished. sometimes I feel like my frustration is just a bit of a form of tempertantrum, I feel a bit like a child, I know I can do it, but I just dont WANT to! For some reason, this is the kind of mind eddies I get caught in. and it just desceds down from there. I suppose if I had more time I would be having some time off right now. However, I must keep on going, and man thats an exhausting thought. My head hurts just thinking about it, and it has done since last nite. So much pressure, and all I want to do is be a fluffy cloud floating around the neighbourhood, without a care in the world....

11 days to go

thats all, eleven days and then I am freeeeee!!!!
then I hand up my many bound copies of my thesis and then no more study. No more what are you doing today Ellie? questions with completely predictable answers. Soon I will be able to make up my mind about what I am doing based on what I feel like doing, or whatever motivations I can find. Seeee, its been so long since I did that sort of thing that I cant quite remember exactly how to do it, I have so much to learn.
and the final countdown begins, has begun, is beginning, each day is new and so long, and so short and phew, I love being able to see the hills on the other side, they are alluring and calling me to adventure in them... and me and The Red Baron are itching to get out and ride into the sunset...
patience and diligence and lots of typing to go...

different perspective

me

Its cold and sunny, isnt that funny?

It is freezing here in the sunshine, which isnt quite on me at all...

Its funnny, I get more pleasure from writing silly comments on a sweet bike boys blog than writing tomes of my own...

Strange things

Strange things are afoot in the world of alternative media sources...
http://nyc.indymedia.org/feature/display/126066/index.php